Relationships…

Human relationships...

They can bring so much joy… and so much hurt.

How we meet those moments of hurt, small or large, can make all the difference in how things unfold.

We are sensitive relational beings, and as such we are very effected by each other.

Have you ever noticed how, when someone who you are close to is feeling irritable, you might start to feel irritable too, which in turn causes them to feel even more grumpy! It’s called a downward spiral and one that can happen very quickly if we’re not aware.

Many people whom I have worked with over the years are pleasantly surprised to discover that through learning to be more compassionate and kind towards themselves they experience more harmony and ease with others.

This is one of the many welcome side effects of practicing self-compassion!

How is this so?

Well, simply put, close connections with others, begins with feeling connected to ourselves.

Self-compassion has the power to interrupt these downward spirals and lead us down a more nourishing path.

It might be a moment when our child isn’t listening to us, or a friend is too busy to see us, someone disagrees with us, or our partner doesn’t show us appreciation when we need it.

There are so many ways that we can feel the ‘ouch’ of disconnection.

It took me many years to see how, in a moment of hurt, I would often resort to blame and resentment and how this in turn, created an armouring around my heart.

As I became more aware, it was revelation to see how I had been unconsciously assuming that it was my partners job to make me happy and somehow magically intuit my every emotional need…oh, and fulfil it!

It was incredibly liberating to discover how ultimately I was responsible for my own feelings. I didn’t have to depend on my partner or children behaving in a certain way to feel happy or emotionally fulfilled.

This has brought so much positive change to my close relationships. And it’s work in progress.

It doesn’t mean that I never reach out for support or ask my husband or child for a hug, the difference is that I am not postponing my happiness until they change.

So what practical steps can we make to begin to shift from disconnection to connection…?

I offer this to you as a practice…

Next time you find yourself blaming someone else for not responding to you in the way you wanted and there is some willingness to explore;

PAUSE. Resist the urge to talk. Feel your feet on the ground and breathe at least 2-3 longer, deeper breaths.

Acknowledge what you’re feeling: Angry? Irritated? Annoyed? Sad? Fear? Give those feelings some space and permission to be there just for these moments.

Ask yourself: What is the unmet need? Are you needing validation? Care? Support?

How might you try and meet that need yourself? For example, place your hand on your heart and offer yourself some gentle words of care. ‘I’m here for you’ ‘I see you’ ‘I appreciate all you do’. Reflect on ways that you feel cared for… and then try offering that to yourself.

And lastly, remember this is a PRACTICE so it takes time and patience to nurture these seeds of kindness and care into fruition.

Let me know how you go!