What might radical self-care in times of grief look like?

Last week I invited you to consider the possibility that feelings and emotions are your friends, not your enemies.

That they are not out to get you, but just longing to be welcomed and healed.

Well, this week I had I had some difficult feelings of my own to work with when our dearest and beloved dog of 14 years was put ‘to sleep’.

Millie had been gradually declining for months - nevertheless, I felt heartbroken.

I haven’t ever kayaked down a river before, but riding the waves of grief felt something like how I imagine it might be to listen and meet the energy of those white waters, the eddies, the calm still pools before the next wave….learning how to let go, to surrender and let the wave carry me out….

Having experienced significant losses as a child, I’m not a stranger to grief. And Millie’s death served to open me up to what at times felt like an ocean of uncried tears.

I no longer see these feelings as a ‘mistake’ or a problem, as I once did.

I’ve learned to embrace these moments as opportunities to heal old hurts, and I made an intention to stay close to myself and practice radical self-compassion.

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What did this look like?

I slowed way down.

Coming back to simplicity - only tending to what was right in front of me. ‘Just this moment’

I moved towards the feelings with tenderness, love and warmth as the waves of grief washed through; this looked like offering the distressed parts of myself words of kindness such as “I’m here with you sweetheart” “All your feelings are welcome here” “You’re not alone” with a hand on my heart and/or wrapping my arms around myself.

I continued to gently invite myself out of my swirling thoughts and into the life of my body - gently infusing the sensations and emotions with kind breath, awareness and warmth.

When the feelings got too much, I gave myself full permission to step away from them, soothe my nervous system and go outside, engage in a simple job, read a few lines from an inspiring book, cook a meal…

I made a point of reaching out to trusted friends who could listen to my tears of sadness, without trying to fix, judge or advise.

I made a point of remembering that I wasn’t alone. That grief is a universal emotion, and we have ALL experienced these feelings… it’s not just me.

We can all evolve this capacity to hold and metabolise the energies of the emotional world.

And the gift of honouring our feelings (ALL our feelings) is that it allows us to be free to fully engage with the Life we love; as I grieve the loss of Millie, I feel more open to everything that I love and hold dear.

For most of us, this sort of radical self-care was not modelled to us by our care-givers, but the good news is that it can be learned… and you can start now. Exactly as you are.

So next time you find yourself feeling stirred up by some emotion, or weary at the end of a long day, how would it be to open your heart to yourself…

~take a slow deep breath,
~infusing your body with warmth and compassion, put your hand on your heart,
~or on your forehead or somewhere that feels right for you
~and connect in with some loving phrases that you’d love to hear…

Let me know how you go…!